Big, Fat, Goldfish
by Asellus
Summary: A three chapter fanfic I never finished about Squall being a cross dresser and having Zell hit on him.
1. Chapter 1: Squall's Deep Dark Secret

-Chapter 1-  
Squall's Deep Dark Secret 

After all the events that we all know that happened in Final Fantasy 8 our fellow characters had ignored the happenings that happened in the game and all bought a house together. Squall and Rinoa were dating and everyone else just continued flirting with each other. Just a year after they bought the house is when Squall's relationship with Rinoa went bad.   


"Squall, you're an ASS!" Rinoa yelled to him as she left the room.  


"That's not the first time I heard that." He called out after her.  


Rinoa joins Quistis with a cup of tea. 

Quistis smiled, "Not enough time for you?" 

"Yeah, he was out last night again..."

"I think he's hiding something from you..." Quistis took another sip of tea. 

"But what?" 

Rinoa was sick with Squall's stiffness, and he can just be an ass.

Squall walked in putting on his jacket; "I'm going out." He left. 

"Lets go and find out!" Quistis shrugged on. 

Rinoa saw Squall's car leave; they hopped into Quistis' and followed him making sure he didn't see them. They saw Squall's car parked by a bar, and instead of Squall coming out, it was a girl. 

"Are you sure we followed the right car?" Riona asked. 

Quistis smiled, "Well Squall has the only car with 3v1l on his license plate." 

"Whatever that means" 

"Do you think... nah... he wouldn't" 

"What?" Rinoa desperately wanted to hear what Quistis had to say.

"Do you think that girl is Squall?" 

"WHAT??!! NO, HE CAN'T!" 

"Wait Riona, before you panic let's go home and look through his stuff." 

"B-but…" Riona stuttered. 

"Just to make sure." 

Quistis drove Riona and herself back home, and then ran to Squall's room. Quistis looked through his closet while Riona looked in his drawers and they and looked around and soon enough… 

"MY -" Quistis pulled out a dress from the closet, as Riona pulled out women's underwear. Quistis fell on the floor laughing; Riona got whiter than she already is.

Zell ran in the room, "What's going on Quistis? I heard you..." His eyes trailed off to the display of women's clothing and makeup. He stood there for a second, "Please tell me you brought this shit in Squall's room!"

"I didn't, it's all his" Quistis cheeks were red from laughing so hard. 

Rinoa softly said, "I don't like that brand of clothing." 

Zell started laughing hysterically, "Do YOU mean to tell ME that SQUALL'S A CROSS-DRESSER???!!!" 

Rinoa and Quistis nodded.

"Can anyone get some sleep in this house?" Irvine popped his head in the doorway.

Zell pushed him back, "Oh no, you do not want to see what is going on in there... let me give you a hint, Squall is a cross dresser." 

"Now how am I supposed to believe that?"

Riona just walked out of the room with her eyes open wide, "Believe it." 

**End of Part One** 

(I didn't write a lot… I know) 


	2. Chapter 2 The Plan

Chapter 2

The Plan 

Irvine was still half-asleep and had no idea what was going on. He thought Zell was joking until Zell flashed women's panties in front of his face. 

"That could be Rinoa's or Quistis's." Irvine said sleepily. 

Rinoa yelled from the kitchen, "I don't like that brand!"

Irvine had remembered why she didn't like Victoria secret, One sad day Rinoa had forced him to go there with her so she can get some lingerie that would appeal to Squall. Irvine has suggested going to a kinky store, but he only got slapped. After an hour or so of Rinoa showing him a buffet of lingerie then trying them on, she decided to get a slinky red bra and thong set. When she went to bye it, the clerk wouldn't sell it her believing that she has stole some. Rinoa got pissed and never bought there again. 

"Okay then, Quistis tell me it's yours!" Irvine said. 

Quistis roared with laugher, "No, n-n-no!" She had stuttered from laughing. 

Out of the blue Zell said, "I like your pajamas." 

Irvine look down at his footie cowboy pajamas, "Be quiet I like them." 

"I wasn't dissing them!" He Laughed. 

"Shut up."

Irvine then went to bed in belief that this was a dream and, well, he's tired. After Zell and Quistis were done putting Squall's stuff away they went to the kitchen and sat down where Rinoa was. 

"I wonder when Squall's coming home." Riona mumbled.

Zell smiled, "When he goes home, boy we have a surprise for him!" 

"We could," Quistis added, "But we'd have to wait about three hours." 

Every one looked at the kitchen clock. Surprisingly it was twelve o'clock not exactly but pretty close. Quistis got up and boiled some water for tea for everyone but Zell grabbed a twenty four-ounce of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator. While he gulped it down Quistis had a very ornery look on her face as Rinoa looked at her tea with disappointment. Zell grabbed her tea and with a can of whipped cream he put a small happy face in it.

Rinoa smiled, "I was just hoping for an awkward silence." 

Quistis changed her look to devious smile. 

"We can't just wait for three hours to torture him!" Zell had his chin on the palm of his right hand, with the left he tapped his fingers, "This is just boring." 

Quistis jumped up in delightment and hit the table, in a chain reaction it knocked Zell's chair down, "I've got it!" 

"What?" Zell mumbled as he got up from the floor. He wasn't that happy at Quistis at the moment.

She smiled, "Sorry Zell! I just have a great idea, in stead of Squall coming to us, we go to him!"

"What! We can't do that!" Rinoa yelled.

"And Zell you can make some classic moves on him!"

Zell shock his head, "No, I'm with Rinoa on that one. I am not going to a club to hit on SQUALL!"

"Please go! You can make a fool out of Squall! He would have to act like he didn't know you or his reputation is ruined!" Quistis enthusiastically said. 

Zell thought about this for roughly five minutes, "No."

"Please!" She begged. 

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes." 

"That's it, no."

"No as in…?" 

"I'm not gonna do it!"

"So you won't?"

"Yes!"

"Ha! You said yes!"

"No. Well yes, but that was to your other question." Zell said impatiently. 

"Okay you won that one."

Rinoa who was almost forgotten was watching Zell and Quistis fight in utter amazement, "You know, now that I think of it… Quistis I like you plan. Zell you have to do this not only for me but for the sake of my sanity!"

Quistis and Rinoa got on their knees and graveled to Zell. "Please!" The both begged. 

Zell couldn't say "no" to them, you can't just say "no" to people who actually grovel for something! After they were done groveling they gave Zell the puppy dog look, which doesn't help.

"Fine I'll do it!" Zell gave in to the begging.

"Yeah!" The both cried. 

They got off their knees and Rinoa jumped him, "Thank you!" Rinoa hugged him. 

"Yeah, yeah let's just go before I change my mind." Zell grumbles in defeat.

They all piled in to Quistis's car and compiled a plan that they will use against Squall. She drove to the "Radiant Club Spot" that Squall had gone to. Getting in the building they starting looking around to see they description of Squall that Rinoa and Quistis had remembered, curly blond hair that reached to the chin and a red shiny dress that stopped at the knees. Squall has a woman like figure that he can pull it off really well… The problem with that is he doesn't stand out in the crowd so it will be difficult looking for him. The group sat down at a table; the club is shaped in a circle building so the dance floor is in the middle with sitting area around the edge. 

"See anything yet?" Rinoa asked

. Zell shock his head, "Nope."

"Well if I have," Quistis noted, "I would have Zell doing his routing by now." 

"Maybe he is sitting at the table?" Zell looked around. 

Rinoa whispered, "Most likely at the bar." 

"Say let's spilt up! Zell you can go to the bar area, Rinoa and I can check out the dance floor." Quistis ordered. 

"Okay." They said. 

***

Sitting alone at the bar was Squall or shall we say Natalie. 'Maybe it's this dress, does it make me look fat?' Natalie thought, 'No! I look to die for in it, red is my color!' Squall… Natalie was offered three drinks tonight but they found something hotter and blonder, which was the same girl. She looked at her vodka with disappointment losing three men to the same women, such disgrace. 

"Hey what is a pretty girl like you sitting here all alone in a place like this?"

'I recognize that voice…" She thought.

As the strange suspicions were true Natalie turned around and it was none other then Zell himself. "Ah, erm, hi." She said in a disguised girl voice, 'I mustn't let him know that I'm Squall!' She thought.

Zell took a seat by her, "So what's your name?"

"Na- Natalie!" 

He smiled a big smile it almost looked like he was about to burst out laughing until a shoe flow and hit him on the head. 

"That's a very beautiful name, I'm Zell." He rubbed his head and look into the crowd of dance people.

'This seems suspicious… Nah how would he find out.' Natalie thought. 

"Thanks I like your name too, It's different." 

Zell went cross eyed, "I see different… You know," Zell stopped and smiled, "Lovely weather we're having!" 

"Well I guess if you like rain and mud, then I guess it's great weather… couldn't you find another topic to flirt with?"Natalie giggled, 'I hope he's eating my act up, If they find out who I am… I'm tea and crumpets!' 

He sighed, "Why couldn't the weather have been better, Err so are you new around here? I haven't seen you around… or have I?" 

"NO! I mean we have never met."

"Are you sure I think I have seen your pretty face before."

'Yeah maybe at our HOUSE!' Natalie only smile when she thought this. 

Zell shook his head, "Now that I think of I guess I haven't, I would have remembered an angle like you." 

"So sweet." 'Can he get any cornier?' 

*** 

**(Zell's version) **

Zell headed over to the bar when he saw the description of Squall that Quistis and Rinoa have gave him. 'Here it goes the most humiliating part of my life,' Zell wept in his thoughts. We walked up to him or her. 

"Hey what is a pretty girl like you sitting here all alone in a place like this?" 

She turned around slowly, 'Aha he knows that it's me!' Zell thought evilly. 

"Ah, erm, hi." She had a nevus look. 

Zell took a seat by her, "So what's your name?" 

"Na- Natalie!" 'Couldn't he had picked a better name?' Zell felt laughter slowly emerging he was trying so hard to not laugh when a shoe hit him on the head, 'Say some thing!' He thought. 

"That's a very beautiful name, I'm Zell." He rubbed the back of his head where the shoe hit him, looking back he saw Rinoa and Quistis in the crowd with Quistis making the slashing throat motion. 

"Thanks I like your name too, It's different."

'Different! He has no right to call my name different! At least my name is not Natalie!' Zell thought in anger. 

"I see different… You know," Zell stopped him self from spoiling it and getting hit on the head by Rinoa's other shoe, "Lovely weather we're having!" 

"Well I guess if you like rain and mud, then I guess it's great weather… couldn't you find another topic to flirt with?" Natalie giggled.

He sighed, "Why couldn't the weather have been better, Err, are you new around here? I haven't seen you around… or have I?" 'Ha, I've got you know Squall!" Zell thinks to him self. 

"NO! I mean we have never met."

"Are you sure I think I have seen your pretty face before." Zell said in a sly way. 

Natalie only smiled, which made Zell nervous. Zell thought that he should come up with something really corny, "Now that I think of I guess I haven't, I would have remembered an angel like you."

"How sweet." 

..-***-...


	3. Not so Chapter

Sorry people. I was thinking about writing more.... but I couldn't. I lost my inspiration! I know, can you believe?

There is a story to it.

I was walking around at school one day and my friend ,Casey and her boyfriend Phil, walked up to me. So I started making fun of Phil and she told me something I will never forget. 

"Kassie," She said. "SQUALL ISN'T REAL!"

I don't remember the rest of the day, I was in a great deal of shock. 

So that night I stood above a bridge looking down into the great body of water. I tied some rope around a post then made a noose around my neck. 

'This is it,' I thought, 'If Squall isn't real. I 'll jump off this bridge!'

So I did.

WHAT do you mean, how could I be typing to you now!? 

Well I'll finish my story.

As I fell, ( The rope was long) I remember something Phil said...

"I beat Sephiroth."

I grabbed my steak knife from my back pocket and cut the noose, thus plopping me into the water. With great strength, I swam across the river. 

Later I asked a mere bounty hunter to kill Phil, to prove it he had to bring Phil's heart back in a beautiful box I gave the hunter. 

After that I went to talk to my mirror.

Unfortunately Casey found out about the bounty hunter and she went on a hunt for me.

The only thing I could think of doing at the moment was changing my identity.

I renamed myself Catfish and moved to Mexico where I met a friendly man named Alijandro.

At first I didn't like him because he was a thief and only used me to hide a diamond necklace. We fell in love after an incident with crop circles. 

I lived with him for six months on a land in Oklahoma but, the land was hard to get. There was a race for free land. I always had a dream land where a river flows through it... AND we got it. We built a house there.

Anyway after the 6 months I found him with a sheep. I was shocked. 

I decided it was time to face Casey. When she first saw me she tried to blow my head off with a shot gun but miraculously I knew how to dodge bullets. 

So now we made up. 

AND THAT is how I lost my inspiration.

If you REALLY want me to write more, you could beg. I won't degrade you, begging is actually a natural part of life. Just like kissing ass and brown nosing. 

-Kassandra Ehlers


End file.
